Breaking News: Apple’s Tim Cook Leaving To Head Up Boar’s Head

Inspired by the possibility of news, as so saliently pointed out by humorist Andy Borowitz of the New Yorker, I hereby launch the sincere possibility of Tim Cook leaving for Boar’s Head. I first thought of that incredible opportunity in 2014, when opening up the new resealable packaging introduced by Boar’s Head.

You see, if you pay close attention to how the package opens and how the meat is sliced and stacked up, you realize the CEO of Boar’s Head has never opened a pre-sliced meat package of Boar’s Head. In the same way, the deplorable evolution of Apple products is evidence Tim Cook is not using Apple products with any sincere dependency, beyond the use as a glorified messenger and typewriter.

Take a good look at the packaging of Boar’s Head products, and you may notice the way the meat is stacked in the container is counter-intuitive.

To get the first slice out, one must open the resealable container all the way to the end, peel off one slice and reseal the whole container (not easy to do in an air-sealed manner). If the meat was rotated in a 180-degree fashion, the first slice would have been on top of the half-opened container, and the rest would have been contained for freshness.

This is the kind of stuff Apple’s former CEO and genius Steve Jobs would fret over and is no longer part of the compass of a profit-margin-hungry Apple, with a board too posh to push.

The on/off switch on the iPhone is in a similarly dumb location as the meat of Boar’s Head is stacked. The feeble reseal is a seal that requires just as much expertise about the delicate influence of bacteria on meat as the intricate knowledge required to adjust the preferences of notifications on an iPhone.

I can only dream of Tim Cook moving to Boar’s Head, so a real leader with a higher normalization of evolutionary truth and awareness can step in and deploy a more discerning viewpoint of how the investment, reliance, and experience of technology should and could actually enhance humanity.

Sometimes, it hurts to wake up to a world that suspects nothing of the kind of leadership that turns humanity, with the largest amount of cognitive neurons in our cerebral cortex amongst the cheering of a pageantry of positivity, into the greatest-fool of all.


The sign of an intelligent nation is its willingness and ability to reinvent itself, upstream. Let’s inspire the world with new rigors of excellence we first and successfully apply to ourselves.

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